“Who said a leader only leads from the front?
The other day Emily and I found ourselves at an apple farm. This is when I heard a man say to the person he was there with, “I got myself a box of the apple fritters.” As he said this, it made me think to myself maybe we should also try one of these apple fritters.
You see, apple fritters have a special place for me. It was a fun little dessert I used to notice Orpheus would choose above anything else whenever we stopped by the local donut shop. When I used to struggle between the many options made available to us and usually end up with either a sprinkle donut, jelly-flled, or a boston creme, Orpheus’s go to was the apple fritter, slightly warmed up.
As I recalled the different outings we had, I remembered one particular night that changed my outlook and perspective on leadership and if I am correct, it was over coffee and an apple fritter, at least for him that is.
I don’t know what year it was but Orpheus and I had begun training martial arts and boxing for awhile then, and in the evening of one of our training days together, along with his wife, we stopped at a local donut shop.
Once we made our selections we sat at a table and as our conversations would normal go, we talked about everything. At some point during our conversation I mentioned to him that I was upset, disgrunteled, and maybe even feeling some regret and possibly shame about not leading the way I’d like to.
I continued to share, “I want to be a leader that stands out among the crowd, one that is loud, brash, confident, and maybe even a bit outspoken at times.”
But…
I didn’t feel like I knew how to do that. I go on sharing that growing up I didn’t see examples of men that lead like that. “Most of the men I saw growing up were either quiet, a bit reserved, or the other extreme: loud, disrespectful, and what seemed to me…angry.”
All of which I didn’t want to be.
“My Dad and my brother, other family members, even my mentors, and other male figures, though incredible people, loving, caring, kind…seemed too quiet and reserved at times. How was I ever going to show up, how I wanted to?”
This is when what Orpheus shared with me changed my perspective and I am paraphrasing…
“Who said a leader only leads from the front? You can lead from somewhere in the back or somewhere in the middle too. What makes you think you’re Dad isn’t leading just maybe not how you want him to lead?”
Damn.
I had to let that sink for a few minutes before I could respond. He was right. This whole time I had been comparing my father, my brother, and other men in my life, how they chose to lead, but only doing so through my perspective…through my lens.
How limiting that was of me to do that. Of course I didn’t know any better back then, but after he said that I told myself that I had to be more open to how each of us chooses to lead. One is not better or more important or valuable then the other, we all choose to lead or not lead in different ways. Who was I to judge them?
I don’t know if I mentioned this to him that night, I might have, but the more I thought about it, the more I recognized where this way of thinking may have derived from. In sports, lets use American Football as an example. It’s usually almost always the Quarterback of the team that gets all the attention and recognition. On Super Bowl Sunday, the talk is only ever on who the Quarterbacks of each team is and going to go head to head. They are the ones on the banners, media, or promotional items that lead up to the big game. You rarely hear about the offensive lineman who are in front protecting them. Rarely do you get to find out who are the names of those men in these positions.
I used to think it was the Quarterbacks who were the leaders of the team and maybe for some teams they actually are, but I’ve since learned, depending on the dynamic and structure of the team, how the team best operates, that is what determines it’s role and characeristics of leadership. We don’t know what’s really going on behind the scenes, in the locker rooms, during the week of practice, we don’t know who’s really leading who.
Which is precisely the reason why I loved film and theatre so much and still do. I wanted to be the lead, once I got more comfortable with it, I wanted to be the one in the spotlight. I guess you could say this way of thinking was definitely motivated by the representation that I saw or didn’t see growing up.
I always said, “We need more examples of Asian men who are confident and willing to be loud about their choices and perspectives in the world.” I wanted to see that and because of that, I wasn’t going to hold myself back from being that which I wanted to see more of.
It took me years and many lessons to learn and areas to overcome to become the kind of person I wanted to…the kind of person I desired to be. I guess after this conversation with Orpheus, it also made me realize it didn’t mean that I had to ‘feel-bad’, feel shame or regret to the men that helped shape the parts of me that are important too.
I remember before we left that donut shop that evening, there was something he was said to me without actually saying the words…about never forgetting where I came from and who helped shape who I had become.
Because the truth is, yes, there are parts of us at some point in our lives when we recognize that is not who we want to be anymore, but we also shouldn’t forget those other parts of us that we do want to keep a part of us.
It’s a balance.
And in that process, I can move forward with much confidence and grace, knowing it’s all part of the makeup of who we are, and at the same time I can love the people for who they are too.
If you want to lead, then lead, but don’t feel the need to judge others for how they choose to lead or not lead.
I’ll never think of apple fritters the same way either, in fact, I have grown to appreciate them even more so now. I’m glad we decided to take one home to try, just one, not a whole box.
It was definitely delicious after heating it up a little and I look foward to having another one soon.
